What Occurs When Couples Share the Different Brands Of The Same Emotion by Michael Ruben, LICSW

Couple’s conflicts often occur when they share the same problem but a different version of it.  Anxiety is a common example, where one partner might struggle with worries or compulsive behaviors and their partner has panic attacks. Partners understand their own anxiety but often don’t recognize or exhibit compassion around their partner’s brand of anxiety.   Without an understanding of their partner’s issues, a partner my choose to respond insensitively by ignoring it, or suggesting their partner should just  get over it. Partners can feel misunderstood or minimized and often complain they are not feeling heard. For a humorous view on this see Bob Newhart as psychiatrist in the video “Stop It” available on YouTube.

Anxiety often can occur around finances or cleanliness. Partners may both feel anxious about these issues but have different priorities around spending or cleanliness and don’t always understand or recognize their partner’s perspective.  When I share these observations with couples, there is often an ah-hah moment followed by laughter realizing that their conflicts and issues share the same emotion. This awareness allows partners to  more empathically respond to their partner’s issues and not remained concerned with only their own struggles. This allows for a more loving, forgiving and compassionate relationship to develop as couples become unstuck from impasses that have developed.