Dealing with the stress of the Hellidays

by Michael Ruben, LICSW

Well, the holidays bring the joys and challenges of families gathering.  The stress of the holidays for many of us is in the planning, organizing and preparing. From unhelpful guests to overly helpful in-laws to political opposites, tension can spread like a forest fire.  “I dread it,” one client told me last week. “Worst day of the year,” said another.  “Capitalism at its most miserable and each year we’re supposed to make it bigger and better.”  As a Couples Counselor, my concern is always on how the family dynamics and to-do lists create strife, turning the holidays into the hellidays. 

So what can we do about it? Unilateral decisions often create conflict, so firstly, come together in a spirit of collaboration and compromise. Decide together, how to make the holidays manageable. Traditions can be changed. Menus can be pared back. Guests lists can be shortened if we mutually agree. Involve family members to make everyone’s life easier, be it with pot-lucks, “Yankee swaps,” or having food catered. We don’t have to buy into consumer culture, and we don’t have to people please those who demand much but give little. One couple created a tradition of a family cruise that grew to 18 people. Instead of gifts thrown in a closet. Gather a pool of money and donate to a charity. Just the selection of a charity provides meaningful conversations.  Above all, know that conflict arrives with tension, and preparations that aren’t commensurate with time available. Use Imago or echoing to listen and solve communication issues.  Discuss compromises and alternatives, and ultimately use conflict resolution skills if no compromise is available.  Remember the key is not to win or lose, it’s to maintain the joy of the Heavendays.