By Michael Ruben, LICSW
I often see couples who want to know how to improve their communication and their relationship. Sometimes their agenda is also how to change my partner. Common refrains include” my partner doesn’t express their feelings, is quick to anger, is not romantic enough, often argues with me, can’t maintain commitments, is forgetful and disorganized, is compulsive and critical.” Sound familiar? Think about it, why is it so easy for us to identify the problems our partner contributes to the relationship? And why is it so difficult for us to see our own problems?
Well, the answers include the fact that except for zoom and the occasional mirror we rarely see ourselves, particularly our emotional self. And we often incorrectly believe that its only my partner who needs to change a specific attribute. We incorrectly believe once they make this change, we will have the bliss and love that we long for.
There is a psychological joke that asks, “how many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb?” The answer of course is the lightbulb has to want to change.
So the next time you clearly identify your partner’s deficits and wish to help them change, start with yourself. A compassionate and loving attitude helps set the stage. And identifying and owning your own issues, will open the process of change for the relationship. Remember that how you act and behave has a significant impact on your partner and the quality of the interactions between the two of you.
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