By Michael Ruben, LICSW
So often we fall into the trap of blaming our partner for a myriad of problems. Our nature is to find the reason things happen. In doing so, we may assign fault, criticize or try to correct our partner. How your partner reacts to criticism varies. Some might withdraw, retaliate, and others don’t take it personally. Research shows that it takes 20 positive statements to correct one negative statement towards your partner? When you’re ready to criticize your partner, ask yourself if you are taking the same tact and care with your communication as you would with a colleague, a friend, or even a store clerk.
Tools to become a better partner
1. Self-Awareness: Remember that while your partner may be lousy at doing dishes, you leave your socks on the floor. Checking your ego when you want to climb upon your “high horse” and gallop off with your partner’s pride can add both humility and humor to life’s travails. We don’t always see ourselves accurately, even on Zoom.
2. Perspective: I have a friend who views all crises equally. But before you blow your top over your partner’s fender bender, remember they are unharmed. There are 8 billion people on the planet, and roughly 1.6 billion are underfed. Keeping calm over the small stuff, allows you to practice holding your own when big things go wrong.
3. Gratitude: Find gratitude in your daily life. An attitude of thankfulness for what you have, including your partner, allows you to have a happier marriage, life, and live longer. Keep love in your heart and let it guide you in your actions every day. Work on being a compassionate and loving presence in the world.
4. Love: Keep love in your heart and let it guide you in your actions each day. Think of three things you love about your partner each day and share your heartfelt emotions with them.
5. Selfcare: Do not expect your relationship to meet all of your needs. Think of what you need for contentment and happiness. Consider adding exercise, yoga, meditation, friendships, art, music and fun activities.
Celebrate all that have, your love, your life, your relationship and the richness and essence of your being!
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