by Michael Ruben, LICSW
Many of my clients in Couples Therapy are looking for ways to reignite passion and desire, but have difficulty discussing it. Over time, these unexpressed concerns escalate and can create panic. Sexuality, much like your drivers' license, can be renewed! I start by assuaging my clients' concerns and evolving tactics to return to a more romantic time. Spontaneity, date nights, and exploring new activities are appetizers for increased intimacy. We schedule meals, sleep, work, and school. Making time for intimate contact is vital, even if it's just hugging, cuddling, kissing or touching in passing. In fact, touching without sex, often known as Sensate Focus, has been shown to increase intimacy in over 80% of partners. So has eye contact, and face to face conversations. Communication, love, and the vital aspect of being "seen" has deteriorated with the advent of mobile devices. Couples who unplug and converse looking at each other are much more likely to report overall happiness, as well as increased romance.
Don't be afraid to converse about sex. Esther Perel, in her book, Mating in Captivity, discusses how zoos have difficulties getting animals to mate in captivity. She uses this metaphor to note how couples, after the infatuation stage, struggle to maintain a close and intimate sexual life. She discusses the competing needs for space, novelty, and independence while at the same time wanting security and safety in a relationship. Having honest discussions may seem intimidating, but increased passion will result, if you use "I" statements, and have an attitude of curiosity toward each other.
Emily Nagoski, in her book Come Together, addresses the need for open communication. She recommends that partners discuss sexuality from the perspective of identifying both obstacles and pleasures. If desire wanes, there is often a reason. Knowing what that reason is (exhaustion, anger, worry, low self esteem), can enhance understanding and avoid feelings of rejection on either side. Intimacy is a fine-tuned system that doesn't work under pressure, but only when both partners feel heard and seen and cherished. Life is busy. Prioritizing each other will add energy and fuel to your overall satisfaction and increase intimacy.
Comments