Two Steps to Successfully Deal with Conflicts in Your Relationship

By Michael Ruben, LICSW

The two common traps we fall into in our relationship are to:

1. Hear our partner is upset and explain or defend why we did what we did.  

2. Say we are sorry very quickly and continue with whatever we are doing.

The problem with both of these behaviors is that we have not acknowledged what our partner is saying.  I have found that the two most important desires that couples seek in a relationship are to be loved and understood.  If you want to successfully resolve conflicts in your relationship these two steps will ensure success:

1. When you reflect to your partner your understanding of what they are upset or angry about, you are demonstrating that you heard them.  When you do this, you are not agreeing with their version of the situation, you are simply demonstrating that you understand how they’re feeling.  This takes practice and may not come naturally for you.

2. Often, we play the judge and jury, and dismiss our partners feelings as being trivial, the result of a bad mood, or overly sensitive in making a big deal about “nothing,” All of those assumptions are problematic because we are dismissing their feelings and not responding in a caring or loving way.  You need to hear your partner and recognize their hurt and frustration.  When we echo, empathize and express concern without judgment, our partner will feel seen, heard, and loved.  If an apology is warranted, take the time to mean it.  It is their experience you are responding to and because you love them you want to find a way to recognize how they are feeling and in your own words express care, regret and empathy.

If your partner was suddenly ill or in an accident, you undoubtedly would show concern and care.  Simply because your partner is reacting to something you did or said, you should show the same love and concern towards them.  You’ll be surprised how quickly your conflicts resolve and how much happier you will both be in the relationship.